The Beginning, Depression, Ouija Boards And Lucifer
Posted on February 17, 2009
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So this may be a little jumbled, but I’m going to try the best I can to get it all out.
I don’t really remember my childhood, except being teased and left out all the time. I went to a private school up until 8th grade, so I had a lot of love for God but I had dabbled into the Ouija a few times. I remember this one time, my friends were playing the Ouija while I watched, and the Ouija kept telling them “her.. its her.. its her… get her out” and all this crazy stuff.
That was when Lucifer started to follow me. I would see him standing in corners, in windows far away.. I could feel him over my shoulder constantly. I never really put two and two together until about a year ago.
After that year in 7th grade I started falling into a very deep depression. It seemed to get worse and worse and worse. I don’t remember one time in my life of me being happy. It’s like all of my childhood memories were completely erased, filled with only facts, and replaced with the sense that I was a mistake.
I don’t remember specifically selling my soul to the devil, but I know I must have done it more than a few times. Each time not getting what I wanted. This past year was the worst for me. I would wake up in the middle of the night with demons surrounding me, choking me, pulling me around. (Some may say this is merely sleep paralysis, but I know it was something way more than that) My depression got even worse. I had multiple plans to kill myself, but someone always managed to get me out of it.
I don’t remember any of it, and my friend told me very few details. She said I was speaking in tongues, I would hop around and scratch the floor and scream in different voices at the same time. I remember one point, where she had taken me outside for some light..� and there was a bush on fire. I just kept bowing down to it.. over and over again..� speaking to the devil.� She told me I would sing ring around the rosy and all these other creepy things. She had called a local pastor to help… I suppose it must have worked, but I never felt like it was completely out of me… just like I always felt like it was always in me. He said when he asked who I was, I referred to myself as Lucifer. (who is the one that follows me)
I was playing with the thoughts of being a child of Satan.. and reaping the rewards. On August 30th I attempted to take my own life. My liver was failing, but they brought me back. I was sorry for what I did, but there’s that cold dark part of my heart that wishes it would have been a success.
I decided to play the Ouija a couple more times since then, each time being scarier than the last. One time we contacted someone from my local town, but we weren’t there.. He said� he had followed me and had hoped that I could help him. He told us that I was the chosen one and that what I would do would be a lesson for everyone. Other than that it was always Lucifer contacting me. Telling me he had something for me. The feeling of him sitting on my shoulder never went away, and sometimes it got to the point where it felt like he was crushing me.
One night I was with a bunch of friends in the middle of nowhere, at this old Native American park, trying to contact some spirits. Of course. Lucifer was the only one to show up. I could feel and hear him stalking me around the car. It sounded like there were more of them though. He told my friends I needed to get my gift. Just say it one more time and I would get my gift. They asked what he meant, as I had no idea. He just kept saying that I knew. I knew. I immediately had a sense of longing. All of my past thoughts and ideas of being ugly and such rushed back into my head and I wanted desperately to have him take it all back and make me pretty and have friends. I didn’t tell anyone about it, and I hope to God that I didn’t sell my soul for the last time that night.. but ever since than I have looked at myself in a completely new light.
On the side of all this, I have dreams of helping little children to where they belong. Dead little children. I have dreams of doors closing in on me and lights flickering out. Dreams where I cannot speak, just like the experiences I have had. I have a sensitive.. sense… for… I don’t know. I can tell when something is bad, like an aura I suppose.
I don’t know what any of this means and I just want answers.. I don’t know how to handle any of it. It feels like I’m just fantasizing about being a medium, and I guess if that’s what this all means I hope it would just.. happen already.. but I highly doubt it is. I don’t think I’m that gifted… it feels just like I’m… more than the average human.. (actually. I’ve always felt like I never really was human.. like an angel/demon.. I don’t tell many people this because they all think I’m nuts the way it is). I do know that I am not afraid of it anymore, and that I’m ready when He is. If anyone has.. any…help for me. that’d be greatly appreciated.
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