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Am I Alone?

Posted on October 12, 2009

I was born in Pennsylvania 1982. If you’ve ever heard of Fulton County, which most likely you haven’t, its pretty desolate in terms of population density. My childhood was rather vague and obscure. I’ve had some private schooling thanks to mom and never really had a true friend. My dad was a coal miner. He was distant and senseless, abusive toward my mom mostly. When I was 16 I planned to run away (for the 2nd and last time) but decided not to leave mom. For the first time I stood up to my old man and I don’t remember much after that. He laid in bed with broken ribs for a few days then one morning he was gone.

That wasn’t the first time I had a traumatic experience in which I blacked out (for lack of better words). I have had incidents with people, animals (having a forest as a backyard) where I had a violent encounter and awoken as if I had a bad dream. Its not that I couldn’t remember anything but more like I couldn’t figure out why I had to pick myself up so many times (a day later) and get back home only to explain why I was all scuffed up, bruised and even bitten. I’m not violent at all. Its not that I’ve had a few bad run-ins but more like something was out to hurt me almost. I’ve been attacked by deer, stray dogs and jumped by people coming out of no where, the list goes on.

Its only the first few minutes that I could remember of each episode then next I would wake up… in the morning.  That was what was absolutely repulsive to me. Its after I opened my eyes and recall all of the horrible noises/feelings/hostility of being in a disgusting situation and then seeing my wounds in broad daylight. Confrontation with danger is not frightening to me. One would think I lack emotion yet its just that I am never startled or taken by surprise. I don’t know what but its too much of a coincidence and just plain awkward that things have happened so many times. And to the contrary I feel much safer out at night. Its almost ecstasy to roam in darkness peace and quite. During the day I rest and stay inside.

I am glad to say that I have not had any problems like this in a quite few years. We found out that my father passed away when I was 20 and a few years ago my mom passed on also. I have always felt that there was something that was being kept from me. I always felt that my parents were not only together because they cared for one another but because of something else that I cannot explain. In a way its the same unexplainable feeling I would encounter personally in certain situations. Unacceptance, distant, unrelated etc. As I grew up and saw what people considered as “life” the more and more I felt alienated from others. At the same time I am evolving and understanding myself and others better.

I am almost too shy to give insight into the type of person I am. I am at one with animals and nature as well as what it has to offer. If I had my choice I would like to be understood by another person or people like myself. I always try to conceal physical pain. Once when I was seven I cut my finger on the lid of a can, my dad told me to suck on my finger till the pain went away. The taste and feeling was euphoria. Some time later a few kids I was with saw me scrape my elbow, naturally I was wiping the blood off then enjoying the taste and feeling. I thought it was normal and they were grossed out, I felt unaccepted. Regarding the opposite sex, not anyone but sometimes I have this feeling, I guess lust in a way, but not in the same sense that people have. Let me be clear I do not want to bring harm to anyone. Blood is associated with harm and I do not want to bring harm to anyone at all.

I have had a few acquaintances but I cannot call them friends because my life didn’t provide much of a social atmosphere. Maybe it was the demographic or lack of things to do. I am trying not to blame it on my personality because I think of myself as a very caring person knowing that, that alone does not lead to acceptance.

I have come on here to share my story, I have not really revealed much about my current life nor other peculiar things that have been a part of my past… nothing crazy just inconsistent with normality. I will say that I go out at night. I can and do socialize better than I had in the past. I have moved and enjoy my life. I do not particularly like the way I look. Despite being told I am handsome I am almost turned off by my reflection. I use the mirror to shave and that’s it. The blinds are closed where I live and I keep it as dark as I can during the day when I sleep.

Thanks to all who read this. I’m not sure it fits into the categories that most write about on here. This is not a ghost story or a fictional tale. Its merely a way for me to open up a little and reach out to anyone who may feel the way I do or at least understand.

Sent in by Ray, Copyright 2009 TrueGhostTales.com




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Comments

21 Responses to “Am I Alone?”
  1. trolldoll1681 says:

    interesting…….

  2. Anonymous says:

    sounds like ur lonely n need a good friend..

  3. jenny says:

    gosh i thought it was a scary story

  4. Elden says:

    You seem to be a likeable person. Maybe your part of something you haven’t grown into yet. ELDEN

  5. meli§a says:

    very interesting… almost sounds very similar to the movie “the butterflty effect” with ashton kutcher.

    maybe you can speak with a psychiatrist, something is off in your brain to have these crazy blackouts. you should seek getting a cat scan so that you can find a solution to this problem. i’m sorry for you having to go through this. i’d definitely see a doctor asap.

  6. Lye says:

    Interesting, the mind can be a very strange place, and can do even stranger things.
    I have a problem with ending up a little worse for wear myself, even now, on one hand I have over 17 scratches, and not just a faded red lines. Just to clarify I do not self harm. It also does not hurt and so I only realise it when I, excuse the graphic term, feel the stickiness of the blood.
    I think you may have had some suppressed anger and believe it would be wise to take up something to relieve it even if you do not feel it. It may be building up and it can get worse the longer you do nothing.
    I am also mostly nocturnal, a long term habit now. I prefer the night, I prefer the comforting feeling of it, the day is so open…. and so bright. I would be careful not to stay too much in the dark, one day when you wish to go in the sun you will find it hurts, your eyes just get accustomed to the dark and so it physically hurts. Luckily it only happens to me on very bright days. Even then, I do not like having one of my senses taken away from me.
    I can understand a sense of loneliness and seclusion, everytime I forget to focus on my facial features people have said I have looked, and quote, ‘depressed’, ‘unimaginable lonely’, ‘distant’ and even ‘heartbroken’.
    If I did not know any better one may take the assumption you were a werewolf. Simply because it sounds similar to many myths. Just a thought.
    You sound interesting.

  7. justin says:

    it sounds to me like you carry many of the same traits and characteristics of a werewolf .maybe you should put up a video camera and maybe see if you can become aggressive ,then play back the tape it may be that you find something far different from what you would think.

  8. N.i.x says:

    I’ll say this…i can emphatize with the personality changes…but i control mine. It’ll take alot of time and interpersonal strength. There is a quick way to solve this problem, first if you have an appearance that people say shows an emotion, such as “depressed” or “distant”, i say go to ONE session of counseling, just talk don’t think about how you sound or how your outlook will look…just TALK.

    You won’t believe how one talk with someone who’s trained to identify mental qu’s will be able to help…

    Once upon a time i had issues with alternating personalities…

  9. DarStarr says:

    Ray,
    You sound like someone in need of a friend AND the truth. You have had a difficult childhood, when we witness abuse it effects us in so many different ways. You are probably suffering from depression and need to seek help.
    You do sound like a caring person, and once you get through what you are holding inside you, I just know you will start to heal.
    You have been through a lot of pain, and once you can get past that, things will start to look up.
    I wish you all the luck in the world and there are so many caring people here that will ALWAYS be there for you to listen.
    Take care

  10. Fenwinkel says:

    Ray, you’re going through life without having a “normal” relationship with other people, being a loner, etc. It would be a shame if you continued this way until the day you die — you would have missed out on so many fulfilling relationships, friendships and activities. My opinion is that you should see a professional — psychologist or psychiatrist, if for no other reason than to be reassured that you do not need help. Then again, maybe an antidepressant would open up whole new worlds to you. Yes, you are functioning, and there’s nothing wrong with being a loner, but you seem to have other issues as well.

  11. cookie says:

    hey i understand ur storie very well and sumtimes i have the same problems all u need is someone that u can trust and that interests u and everything will be ok and if u dnt mind please dnt put this on here sorry im just a lil self conscious bt ur welcome 2 email me at any time

  12. KNOWTOMUCH says:

    a very interesting story. i havent been in your shoes, but, i do know how it feels, to feel different to others. i have told some of my stories and have been told to see a doctor, but, a doctor cant fix it. i have tired. this is something that will rear its head at some point. i think that you already know this. i dont know if this will help, but, we are all different in our own ways. there are some things that we have to deal with ourselves, now that you have talked to us, you have friends that you can talk to.

    you see, you have made the first step, you have opened up, thats a good thing. as time goes on, hopefully it will all make sence. i have tried to make sence out of what i experience, and most of the time i cant figure it out. this forum, and these people have helped me so much, i feel safe here, that i can talk and be honest.

    its good to meet you,, remember, your not the only one who feels different. your not alone, by any means. keep on posting, maybe together, all of us can help you work this out…. or, at least put you at ease somewhat. we are all here to support each other…

    take care, ktm

  13. DarStarr says:

    ktm,
    That was SO very well put. It is so obvious that when you post, it comes straight from the heart.
    Ray,
    KTM is right, you have a place to talk about your feelings now, you might not realize it, but you already have MANY friends here that are willing to listen! There are good, good people here and we want to help in any way we can!

  14. KNOWTOMUCH says:

    thank you Dar…. it does all come from the heart…. it takes a lot of guts for anyone to open up.. i am so glad we are all here for each other…..Ray,, are you feeling a little better about the situation???? ktm

  15. lil miss says:

    i thought it wasa ghost story..but instead of scard i was sad =(

  16. Ray says:

    It was a pleasure reading all of these thoughtful comments. I appreciate the concern from you all. Thank you. I didn’t mean to write a sad story. Actually my life was not as gloomy as I made it out to be. I guess in trying to describe what kind of person I am it comes across that way. Yet it only seems as though things may have been rather depressing when observed relative to what most people are used to. I had not been able to compare myself to other people and the “outside” world until later on in life. But yes I have had some bad days, more so than nights but havn’t we all? I had not really gotten into radio and television growing up. I was more of a meddling kid, an outside person almost like a cat in the sense that I’m curious and very inquiring. If you’ve ever heard of the allegory of the cave you might see where I am coming from. Except I was never physically bound rather consumed by the intriguing night. As time goes by I am enjoying some of the things I had not been accustom to early on. Despite my habits and fetishes if you will I am not all that unusual. Well… maybe a little.

    Nice to chat with friendly people. Too bad its raining. Talk to you soon…

  17. DarStarr says:

    Ray,
    We are ALL unusual in one way or the other. The key is to learn to enjoy it! I have learned to love the differences of people! Yes, they can make me angry as hell, but they can also make me laugh until I cry. THAT is the beauty of this life we have here!
    Embrace yourself and you unusualness! Life is what we make it, and my motto is “It is what it is, just love it!”
    Also, there is a great line in a song that goes: “The more I see the less I know!” How absolutely true is THAT?!?!?! But that’s the fun!
    We are here for you, and will be!

  18. KNOWTOMUCH says:

    Ray, i am so interested in your story and your life….. i love nature, and as i get older, i crave it…. i have to be outside as much as possible… we have moved into the country, near the mountains of N.C.,

    i raised my daughter to appreciate nature also, down to every blade of grass,, seems extreme to others, but, we did a lot of hiking, years ago, when i was able and before she died… for me and my daughter, nature was, and still is for me like my church… i live in the South, many say the bible belt…… for many here, if you dont go to church, you are not Chistian and are going to hell….. well,, i say,, everyone has an opinion!!!!!!!

    When anyone asks me what church i go to, i give them my address and tell them that i go multiple times perday,,lol… and thats the truth.. i know im getting off on a tangent!!!

    Ray,, you may understand this,, my daughter and my neighbor that where murdered in 1993, come to me and my husband in many forms of nature,, especially the butterflys!!!! they come and land on our shoulders and just sit there,,lol.. we have lots of birds, and they sing to us every day…. its a joy!!! amber is never to far away….

    Ray,, maybe you are just in tune with nature more than some others??? maybe you are happy that way??? i am…… i am a (sensetive) i feel very deeply, sometimes to a fault. i wish everyone could feel the good things that i feel….. Ray, i feel that you will meet others who have experienced the same things you have, and do… you are not alone.. you are very unique, in a very good way.. you could teach us all something!!!!!

    take care, and keep on posting,,,, ktm

  19. Lye says:

    Only through your words can we get a look into your world. What you write is all we see.
    One can write of the negative events of ones life and thus their life appears sad but there is always a silver lining. Even in the most heart wrenching of stories there is joy, there is laughter as if one has never experienced laughter then they could never understand sadness.
    The world is so large and yet so small. There are so many questions and so little time. I think you just need a release, don’t we all, as sometimes the unconscious can do suprising things when it rears its head.
    I love the night, as I may or may not have mentioned I am nocturnal. Dark is so pleasant, and so relaxing whether it rains, is cloudy, clear, the beauty is never taken away. The light of a full and bright moon is also very appealing. It gives a little glimpse into an unknown world. But remember not to shun the sun, do not shy away from the light either.

  20. kassie says:

    I feel sad after reading this. I feel like you have suppressed anger and depression– call those feelings what you will, but they’re just merely words that describe your emotional, mental and physical state of mind. Seek help, whether that is meeting a new friend, or becoming more open to the world around you. Daylight is fun.

  21. mama22bratz says:

    Ray, you are sooo not alone! I have been visiting this site for a long time and have just recently started to post some of my own stories and leave replies for others, but in the time I have been reading and watching I have come to see that there are so many good people on this site (yes we are all a little weird in our own way or we wouldn’t be here right? LOL). I don’t want to mention names for fear of leaving someone out, but this little “Family” is really supportive and I have seen a lot of Love and Prayers go out to people in need of help. I do hope you find your way and I will be in Prayer for you. Jesus Loves you and so do we!
    God Bless!!!!

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