I was born in Pennsylvania 1982. If you’ve ever heard of Fulton County, which most likely you haven’t, its pretty desolate in terms of population density. My childhood was rather vague and obscure. I’ve had some private schooling thanks to mom and never really had a true friend. My dad was a coal miner. He was distant and senseless, abusive toward my mom mostly. When I was 16 I planned to run away (for the 2nd and last time) but decided not to leave mom. For the first time I stood up to my old man and I don’t remember much after that. He laid in bed with broken ribs for a few days then one morning he was gone.
That wasn’t the first time I had a traumatic experience in which I blacked out (for lack of better words). I have had incidents with people, animals (having a forest as a backyard) where I had a violent encounter and awoken as if I had a bad dream. Its not that I couldn’t remember anything but more like I couldn’t figure out why I had to pick myself up so many times (a day later) and get back home only to explain why I was all scuffed up, bruised and even bitten. I’m not violent at all. Its not that I’ve had a few bad run-ins but more like something was out to hurt me almost. I’ve been attacked by deer, stray dogs and jumped by people coming out of no where, the list goes on.
Its only the first few minutes that I could remember of each episode then next I would wake up… in the morning.� That was what was absolutely repulsive to me. Its after I opened my eyes and recall all of the horrible noises/feelings/hostility of being in a disgusting situation and then seeing my wounds in broad daylight. Confrontation with danger is not frightening to me. One would think I lack emotion yet its just that I am never startled or taken by surprise. I don’t know what but its too much of a coincidence and just plain awkward that things have happened so many times. And to the contrary I feel much safer out at night. Its almost ecstasy to roam in darkness peace and quite. During the day I rest and stay inside.
I am glad to say that I have not had any problems like this in a quite few years. We found out that my father passed away when I was 20 and a few years ago my mom passed on also. I have always felt that there was something that was being kept from me. I always felt that my parents were not only together because they cared for one another but because of something else that I cannot explain. In a way its the same unexplainable feeling I would encounter personally in certain situations. Unacceptance, distant, unrelated etc. As I grew up and saw what people considered as “life” the more and more I felt alienated from others. At the same time I am evolving and understanding myself and others better.
I am almost too shy to give insight into the type of person I am. I am at one with animals and nature as well as what it has to offer. If I had my choice I would like to be understood by another person or people like myself. I always try to conceal physical pain. Once when I was seven I cut my finger on the lid of a can, my dad told me to suck on my finger till the pain went away. The taste and feeling was euphoria. Some time later a few kids I was with saw me scrape my elbow, naturally I was wiping the blood off then enjoying the taste and feeling. I thought it was normal and they were grossed out, I felt unaccepted. Regarding the opposite sex, not anyone but sometimes I have this feeling, I guess lust in a way, but not in the same sense that people have. Let me be clear I do not want to bring harm to anyone. Blood is associated with harm and I do not want to bring harm to anyone at all.
I have had a few acquaintances but I cannot call them friends because my life didn’t provide much of a social atmosphere. Maybe it was the demographic or lack of things to do. I am trying not to blame it on my personality because I think of myself as a very caring person knowing that, that alone does not lead to acceptance.
I have come on here to share my story, I have not really revealed much about my current life nor other peculiar things that have been a part of my past… nothing crazy just inconsistent with normality. I will say that I go out at night. I can and do socialize better than I had in the past. I have moved and enjoy my life. I do not particularly like the way I look. Despite being told I am handsome I am almost turned off by my reflection. I use the mirror to shave and that’s it. The blinds are closed where I live and I keep it as dark as I can during the day when I sleep.
Thanks to all who read this. I’m not sure it fits into the categories that most write about on here. This is not a ghost story or a fictional tale. Its merely a way for me to open up a little and reach out to anyone who may feel the way I do or at least understand.